


Megabuilding 10

by Maeve_MacTir



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Banter, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Female Friendship, Grief/Mourning, I don't know, Like, Male-Female Friendship, Netrunner Build, No Plot/Plotless, Nomad V (Cyberpunk 2077), Other, Platonic Female/Female Relationships, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, Slice of Life, Snippets, Soft Johnny Silverhand, Vignette, i'll have to see, just straight up murder, maybe some smut?, this is all written on the fly bois, you straight up murder a whole bunch of people
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:26:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28364628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maeve_MacTir/pseuds/Maeve_MacTir
Summary: Having someone permanently stuck in your head can be a real pain in the ass.Sometimes though, sometimes never being alone is a blessing in disguise.Basically just small snippets of Johnny and V interacting and coming to terms with  ~the situation~
Relationships: Female V/River Ward, Johnny Silverhand/Female V, Panam Palmer/Female V, V/River Ward
Comments: 22
Kudos: 100





	1. A Quiet Night In

“Shut the _fuck up_ , Johnny.”

V sighed as she turned the temperature of the water up.

“I’m just saying, the lead guitar is way off, and I don’t know what that bass is doing, but Chippin’ In has a rawer bassline than that.”

“You should be happy they’re covering Samurai at all. You ain’t exactly well known anymore.”

Johnny kept talking, critiquing a Samurai cover on the station he’d forced V to turn on during their shower. He’d materialised in her living room, she could see him pacing back and forth. It hadn’t escaped her notice that he no longer wore his kevlar vest when he appeared in the apartment. She didn’t hide the smile that crept on her face. He’d be able to tell anyway. Instead, she focussed on the hot water streaming down her body. Her long, blue green hair was plastered to her back as she attempted to wash Night City off her. It never worked. No matter how long she stood under the boiling hot water, the city never really left her.

Finally, giving up, she turned off the shower. Johnny continued his rant as V dried herself off and threw on a pair of shorts and River’s tank top. She snatched the syringe of pain meds off her counter and trailed across her apartment to the couch. Viktor had dug the bullet out of her thigh yesterday, but it still hurt like shit.

“That still bothering you?”

Johnny had given up on his new career as music critic and walked over to the other end of the sofa.

“Yeah. It’s a goddamn bullet Johnny, of course it still fucking hurts.”

Sometimes she was very relieved that Johnny could only feel what he called ‘echoes’, but at times like this, she wouldn’t mind if Johnny could feel the stinging pain of the bullet V had taken for him.

She unceremoniously injected the ketamine Viktor had given her into her upper thigh, wincing at the pain as the drug penetrated her muscle, and gently swung her leg up on the sofa. ‘Dorph would have been better, but Viktor refused to give V any more. Said she’d already fucked around with ‘Dorph enough. _A miracle your brain isn’t cooked yet_ , had been his exact words.

As the drug took effect V moaned in contentment and leaned back, sinking into the pillows. She looked on as Johnny played out a very convincing air guitar solo to the last minute of Chippin’ In. Satisfied, he took a bow and fell backwards onto the couch.

“Your ego is really something to admire, you know that?”

“I’m a fucking legend V, I think I’ve fucking earned it.”

“And yet, you’re squatting in some Nomad’s head in a shitty apartment in Watson.”

Johnny looked at her, that signature smirk on his face. “You’re right. It is a shitty apartment.”

“Asshole.” V reached for the table, grabbed an empty coffee cup and sent it flying at Johnny’s head. It bounced off the bookcase, landing harmlessly on the cushion.

“I’d come over to hit you, but I can’t be fucked.”

She’d learned from the first time Johnny ever appeared that they could affect each other, but Johnny couldn’t affect anything in the physical world.

Johnny smiled. A smile tainted by sadness as he looked down at the coffee cup falling onto the carpet. A reminder that he was just a ghost. A memory of a time long gone by, returned to Night City by sheer luck.

V went to open her mouth, but Johnny gently shook his head. The Rockerboy pushed himself up, and walked over to her window. With a mere blink, the shutters shot upwards at V’s command. She often caught him staring out the window at night, when he thought she was reading or watching the holo.

Johnny didn’t say anything, but she felt his gratitude. She’d eventually gotten used to it, never being alone anymore. He was quiet sometimes, not showing himself for hours on end, but he was always there. In the back of her mind, helplessly pushing. She’d even grown used to the dull, pulsing headache that had taken root at the base of her skull. The biochip, worming its way into her brain, overriding her own personality with Johnny’s. She knew it pained him. When he looked at her, she saw a hint of regret and despair behind all the swagger and arrogance.

V leaned back further into the cushions and watched quietly as Johnny stood by her window, observing the city. She generally tried to stay out of his head, but right now, the tangle of emotion that rolled off Johnny was impossible to ignore. It was a volatile mix, equal parts love and blinding rage. She had to scoff. That descriptor seemed tailor made for Johnny fucking Silverhand.

It was in the very spot Johnny stood now that he had first tried to kill her. The very first morning back in her apartment, after Arasaka. After Jackie. He’d made her a promise then, that he’d take her body from her by force. She hadn’t doubted he’d meant it then, but now, something was different. A weirdly comfortable truce had settled between the two of them. Maybe they were really growing closer, forming something akin to friendship or mutual respect. Or maybe, it was the biochip talking, and slowly merging their persona’s together. V didn’t know. She’d wasted so many nights up, tossing and turning, worrying about it while Johnny sat his ass down on the couch and offered nothing in support except for shitty one-liners. She’d decided to just not worry about it anymore, it saved her a hell of a lot of time and energy.

She just had to get the Relic out of her head as soon as possible. Sadly, that was going to be delayed with a bullet wound fresh in her leg. As the ketamine worked its way through her system, the pain in her leg was reduced to a dull throb and V let her head fall backwards, eyelids falling shut.

She didn’t know how long they both sat there in silence together, minds drifting. She’d almost dozed off when Johnny’s voice pulled her out of unconsciousness.

“I’d burn it all down in a heartbeat, you know?”

V’s eyes slowly slid open. “Arasaka?”

Johnny scoffed. “Already did that.”

V cocked her head, letting the silence between them linger.

“The city.”

“I thought you wanted to save Night City.”

Johnny turned away from the window, black eyes locking on her own purple irises.

“I don’t think it can be saved anymore, V. I tried. Nuked ‘Saka tower to fucking smithereens, and they just built a bigger one.’ He shook his head, sitting down on her coffee table. “Can’t treat the surface wound anymore. This is an infection that needs to burned out at the root.”

“And the people, Johnny?”

He was quiet for a while, battling with some great moral conundrum.

“I’d be doing them a favour.”

“You don’t believe that.”

Johnny didn’t answer.


	2. A Symphony of Gunfire

“You really think this is a good idea?”

V yanked the keycard out of Jackie’s Arch. “Of course it’s not, but when has that ever stopped us?”

Johnny stayed behind at the entrance of the tunnel, staring into the darkness while V rolled her beloved bike to a safe spot, away from the imminent gunfire. She had no idea what awaited her in the tunnels, just that they were infested by one of Night City’s many gangs.

“So, what do we got?” V’s question was punctuated by the click of a bullet sliding into its chamber.

Johnny pointed at the Russian graffiti on the wall.

_Scavs. Good._

Clearing out Scav hideouts was something V never grew tired of. There were precious few jobs in her line of work that had unequivocally good consequences for the city, but rooting out the cybervultures holed up in these tunnels was at the very top of that list.

She reached up to make sure her buns were secure. Last thing she wanted was her hair getting in her face in a firefight.

V activated her scanner, hoping to pick up something in the dark of the tunnel. A few fuel containers, a couple of screens… Nothing really useful. Scavs didn’t keep a lot of weaponised technology around. Fucking vultures sold everything, didn’t see the use in keeping technology around if they couldn’t profit off of it.

She remember the girl she and Jackie found, a thousand years ago. Chest cracked open, face mutilated, blood still dripping down her arm as she lay on the table, a lifeless slab of meat left out to rot. Implants ripped out, huge chunks of flesh taken with them. Sandra Dorsett had no idea how lucky she had been to get out of that building alive.

Yes, the prospect of clearing out the tunnel in front them made V feel nothing but grim satisfaction.

“We goin’ in? Guns blazing?”

V rolled her eyes. “You ask that every goddamn time, like you expect the answer to change.”

“My way’s more fun though.”

“My way gets us out alive.”

“Low blow.” Johnny grinned.

V answered his grin with one of her own as she slid the combat knife into the sheath strapped to her boot. Dying Night was secure in its holster at her hip and Widowmaker was slung over her shoulder. With any luck, she wouldn’t have to fire the rifle at all. Not for the first time, she wished they’d at least flavour the meds, grimacing as she dry swallowed a Brain Jolt. She absentmindedly toyed with Johnny’s dog-tags, waiting for the drug to take effect.

Johnny’s gaze damn near burned a hole into her chest, but he stayed quiet. Ever since she’d gotten the set, she hadn’t taken them off. Johnny’s Samurai jacket and tank top got the same treatment. They were part of her, and neither of them questioned it. She was getting worse by the day, but where removing the Biochip had one day seemed like salvation, lately V found herself not wanting to think of having to let go of Johnny. They couldn’t wait for much longer. Their morning had been spent hunched over, coughing her lungs out, hoping she wouldn’t bleed out. Yet, the thought of being alone again made V quake with fear.

Her cyberdeck snapped her out of her daze. The familiar tingle of increased RAM ran down her spine, a million needles of light caressing her skin.

“Let’s get this party started.”

V flashed Johnny a smile and darted into the darkness.

* * *

A shower of sparks accompanied a soft electrical crackle as V made a floodlight burn out. The Nomad sat shrouded in darkness. She could feel Johnny impatiently pushing in her head, itching for her to charge in and start shooting.

_We’re doing this my way, Rockerboy. Patience._

The Scav cursed in Russian. A small smile appeared on V’s lips. She lunged forward, soundlessly closing the distance between her and her prey. He didn’t even get the chance to squeak before V snapped his neck. In one fluid motion, she dragged him backwards, stuffing him under the burned out husk of a car. From her kneeling position, she had a better view of the tunnels. Zooming in, she spotted her next two targets. A few cars away, a male and female Scav, huddled around a fire. Both had bounties. She focussed on the male, quietly slipping the knife on her calf from its sheath. It took her a few second to get into his systems. She made quick work of his security, breaching his protocol with barely a thought. From there, she burrowed deeper. She considered overheating his implants, but decided against it. Best not announce her presence just yet. Instead, she found her way to his optical systems. Time to turn out the lights. She unleashed the daemon, hand tightening around the knife. A few breaths later, the male Scav doubled over, hands flying to his eyes as his optic implants short-circuited. V flew forward, aiming for the woman. Her knife sank into the female Scav’s neck, severing the carotid artery. Before the body hit the ground, V jumped onto her blinded compatriot, brutally snapping his neck. Her soul held no mercy for Scavs. She’d seen too many dead children, medical implants and organs ripped from their tiny, broken bodies.

“You gonna finish her off?”

Johnny was sitting on the hood of the car, taking in V’s handiwork. He gestured towards the unconscious body on the floor. Thick red blood was already pooling.

V glanced down. “She’ll bleed out.”

Johnny’s eyes widened every so slightly. He seemed to swallow down whatever comment was swimming around in his head. Instead he turned around. “More where they came from.”

_I’m counting on it._

She brushed past Johnny, glancing around the empty tunnel. It seemed she had cleared out the guards. The real meat of this pack would be waiting further in.

She made her way deeper into the tunnels without encountering too much in the way of resistance. The first camera V ran into offered a handy gateway into the tunnel’s network, allowing her to disable their entire security net. Finally, the tunnel opened up revealing the heart of the Scavenger camp.

“Looks pretty empty.”

Johnny blinked into existence next to her, mimicking her kneeling posture.

“Hm. Maybe.” V scanned for an access point. “Watch.”

She let loose a ping daemon on a stray laptop she spotted through an open door. Her vision lit up with connections. Johnny let out a whistle through his teeth.

“Guess not. So now what?”

“Now we lure them out. It’s much more fun to watch them slaughter each other that way. We pick off the stragglers afterwards.”

“That’s down right fucked up V… I like it.”

“Learned from the best.”

Johnny got out of cover while V went to work.

* * *

The explosion shook the entire tunnel system.

“No the most elegant solution V.”

“What, like nuking ‘Saka tower?”

“Touché.”

From her vantage point high up on a container, V could clearly see the havoc her grenad caused. Scavs were scampering out of the ramshackle buildings like roaches out from under a couch. As their number grew, the Nomad switched on her scanner, searching for a target to set off her plan. A wicked smile spread over face when a heavily armoured thug holding a machine gun stomped his way outside.

_For a gang that makes its blood money off of selling cyberware they really have no fucking clue what they’re doing._

V burned her way through his security, and found her way to his neural implants. It was set up so shoddily V didn’t doubt for a second it had been a hack job done in some dirt cheap ripperdoc chop shop. Any Netrunner worth their salt could detangle this in less than a minute. It took V 23 seconds. V steadied herself against the wall as the daemon uploaded into the Scav’s system. Even with Brain Jolt, this particular trick drained her RAM so drastically, V often felt queasy and sluggish. Luckily, the quick hack she was about to unleash would do most of her work for her. The last of the data left her cyber deck, and V leaned back, ready to watch the chaos unfold. Her Kiroshi optics zoomed in on his face, V watched the first signs of Cyberpsychosis take hold. She didn’t have to wait long. Confused blinking quickly gave way to crazed, bloodshot eyes that saw enemies everywhere. Finally, pandemonium was unleashed as the thug’s machine-gun started spitting bullets, mowing down his compatriots in droves.

“Fuck, V.” Johnny’s tone was almost irreverent.

“I know.”

The tunnel was a concert hall filled with a symphony of gunfire. V and Johnny watched as the Scavengers tore each other to pieces.

The final Scav fell, and only V’s armoured thug was left standing. Hand steady, V raised Widowmaker, centering the precision rifle’s sights on the thug’s forehead.

A single gunshot rang through the tunnel. With a dull thud, the thug’s body fell to the floor.

V dropped down from her perch, overseeing the blood-soaked battlefield. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught movement. A Scav who’d had the back luck of being caught in the gut, left to bleed out slowly. The Nomad looked at him for a long time. It would take him hours to die. Slowly, painfully. V squeezed her eyes shut. Images of broken bodies flashed on her eyelids, a movie of trauma and nightmares.

_In Night City, you’re the Dawn._

River would be horrified if he could see what she’d done.

The Scav twitched. “Please…”

“Fucking vulture.” Johnny spat, kneeling over the nearby corpse of another Scav. “Leave him.”

V shook her head and unholstered Dying Night.

Just ridding the city of them would be enough. She didn’t need to be a monster.

V’s finger only hesitated slightly as she pulled the trigger.


	3. Stars Stained with Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while, I know, but work has been very insane and busy and I'm such a perfectionist and I've been so grateful for the responses this has gotten but it's also genuinly terrifying but anyway here are more words x

“This is what I miss most about the clan.”

“The silence?” Panam passed her the bottle of rum. The two of them had been here for at least two hours, swigging back liquor and talking about nothing.

V threw back the rum. “The stars. Can’t see them in Night City.”

The liquor burned its way through her throat, and V sighed in contentment, slumping further against Panam.

Panam took the bottle from V’s hands. “Yeah. I missed it too.”

The two Nomads sat in silence, leaning against a massive boulder in the Badlands, blankets around them, fire blazing.

Today had been bad. She’d seen far too much, felt too much. Too much blood, too much pain, too much death.

She’d gotten on the Scorpion and started driving. It hadn’t been a surprise when she ended up in the badlands, aimlessly speeding along the empty highway. When the tears had gotten so bad she couldn’t see the road anymore, she’d pulled off into the desert. Illuminated by the dying sun, V had sat in the middle of nowhere, crying until her eyes were red and swollen. Today, she hadn’t wanted this particular life. Today, she’d wished she’d never taken the damn Dexter job.

Finally, she’d called Panam.

Twenty minutes later, Panam had rolled up with blankets and enough booze to knock an elephant on its ass. V wished she’d never have to go back to Night City.

“You ok, V?”

V laughed. A hollow laugh devoid of joy, a laugh fuelled by too much alcohol, sadness and slumbering rage.

“Am I okay? Let’s see, my best friend is dead because of me, I have a dead terrorist in my head who can’t stop killing me, I’m wanted by the most powerful corp in the city and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop my life being totally fucking destroyed.” She took another swig from the bottle. “I’m fucking peachy Panam.”

The Aldecaldo chuckled. “So better than last week?”

The laugh that escaped V was practically hysterical. Rum landed on the other side of the fire, soaking into the polluted ground. Tears streamed down V’s face as she grabbed her belly, shaking in pain with the force of her laughter.

And then the tears kept coming. The shocks of laughter turned in heaves of misery. The melodious notes of humour transformed into discordant sobs, tearing through V’s throat.

‘V, fuck, I’m sorry, I didn’t…’

The blue-haired Nomad fled deeper into Panam’s embrace, shouting out her anguish to the empty Badlands, shaking with regret.

Regret for Jackie, who died for the glory he’d never see. Regret for T-Bug, who’d had her dream stolen by greed. Regret for Mama Welles, a mother without a son. Regret for her clan, who’d fallen to a corp. And finally, regret for herself, for a life destroyed, a body slowly decaying, rotting from the inside out.

Panam gently soothed her, making nonsense noises and stroking her quivering back. She draped a blanket across V’s shoulders to ward off the cold. V cried until she had nothing left, until her eyes were red and swollen again, until her throat was raw from wailing. Panam just sat there, holding her, letting her grieve.

Ever since ‘Saka tower, everything had just gone to shit. With Jackie, her centre had shattered. The one solid thing in the whirlwind that was Night City was ripped from her, leaving V in a maelstrom of inky darkness. She was an insect, caught in the fur of the beast that was Night City, desperately clinging on. Hoping not to get destroyed when the beast unleashed its fangs on itself, again and again and again. Sometimes, she wondered what would happen if she simply… let go. Run away, get out of Night City, join the Aldecaldo’s. Just leave it all behind.

But Johnny wouldn’t let that happen.

_Johnny._

With a sudden burst of panic, V scrambled up, dashing towards the bikes.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck…” she muttered frantically under her breath.

“V! V, what’s wrong.”

“The fucking _drugs_ Panam, where are they?”

“What are you talking about?”

“The drugs! The omega-blockers, Misty gave ‘em to me, it’s to… it’s to slow down the fucking biochip, where are they?!”

V threw the saddle upwards, hoping to high heavens to see the little blue pill bottle lying among the clutter. But it seemed the universe was not done toying with her. V sunk back on her knees, cursing herself. She must have left them in her apartment when she delta’d out of the city.

_Fuck._

How long had it been since her last pill? Three hours? Four? How long would Johnny stay gone?When would her peace be snatched from her?

“What’s going on?”

Panam was standing next to her. V helplessly threw her hands up. “The pills… they… they keep Johnny out. Or keep him in, I don’t fucking know.”

“And you forgot them?”

She nodded.

Panam looked thoughtful, quietly observing the broken Nomad before her.

Finally, she reach out. “C’mon. Let’s get you warm.”

V hadn’t realised she was shivering until Panam’s warm hand settled on her shoulder. As if she was holding a porcelain doll fresh out of the oven, the Aldecaldo walked V back over to the fire. V stared into the flames as the minutes ticked by, counting down the last remnants of V’s loneliness. The silence was thunderous, drumming through her ears as she and Panam sat huddled in front of the fire. Finally, the inevitable happend and Johnny glitched into existence, lounging on a rock opposite them. V looked at him, and her heart shattered all over again.

Johnny’s eyebrow shot up and he took in the scene before him, V huddled in Panam’s arms, blankets wrapped around both of them.

“Fuck, what kind of kinky lesbian date did I come back to.”

When no answer came, Johnny jumped down, walked over to them. He quietly stood studying V, and finally noticed her red swollen eyes.

“Awww. Did she not want to fuck you again? Is that cop’s dick not satisfying enough, you tried to get in Panam’s pants a second time? Can’t say I blame you.”

Panam noticed V’s eyes snapping to attention, locking on something the Aldecaldo couldn’t see.

“Johnny?”

V’s nod was almost imperceptible.

“D’you want me to kick his ass?”

Johnny laughed, a full bodied sound, free of the malice it once held. “She knows she can’t touch me, right? She can’t even see me.”

“Stop.”

“What?”

“Just stop, Johnny.”

“What, you lock me out for half a day and when I get back you’re gonna tell me what I can and can’t do? Fuck off V, just because I’m stuck in your head doesn’t mean you’re the boss of me.” Johnny sneered, all swagger and arrogance.

V’s jaw tightened, muscles quivering.

“I didn’t lock you out…” she breathed, barely a whisper.

“Oh? So then why were you knocking back omega-blockers like candy?”

_Because I can’t stand looking at you right now._

_Because you’re fucking killing me._

_Because every breath I take is reminder that one of us is going to have to die._

_Because I don’t know how to live without you anymore._

_And because I don’t want to._

Goddammit, when did shit get so complicated. She was supposed to get this asshole out of her head and move on with her life. But now, that asshole was such an integral part of her she was falling appart.

V stayed quiet, huddling closer to Panam. Concern was written over Panam’s face. V didn’t blame her, if she saw her friend argue with thin air, she’d be fucking concerned too.

“Oh come on, V. Don’t shy away now. Just fucking say you want me out of your head and be done with it. Don’t fucking hide behind Panam, it’s pathetic.”

V let her head hang, clamping her hands over her ears, desperate to shut out Johnny’s voice.

Johnny glitched and appeared again right in front of her.

“You know that doesn’t help. I’m inside your head, V. Can’t shut me out, you’re stuck with me.”

V felt the tears coming, but they were drowned out by something much more powerful. Rage. White hot, blinding, all consuming rage.

How dare he. How dare this fucking asshole, this absolute horror show of a human being, this piece of SHIT control her heart like that. Who was he to hold her soul in his hands. How dare he take Jackie’s place.

Adrenaline flooded her veins, and she shot forward. She still didn’t know how this whole thing worked, but she did know she could hurt Johnny. And right now, she wanted to tear him limb from limb. Her fist connected with his jaw, hurling them both backwards, dangerously close to the fire.

“V!”

Panam’s terror-struck voice rang out across the clearing as V launched an attack into the void.

V continued her mindless assault, burying her knee into Johnny’s stomach. He was wheezing, doubled over in pain.

“What the _fuck_ , V?” he managed to gasp.

“You think you just get to fucking waltz in, and take over?!” she screamed, her fist digging into Johnny’s ribcage. “You think you get to fucking lecture me?”

“S- stop”, he coughed, voice thick with pain.

V kept punching, landing blows on his face, shoulders, neck, chest, wherever she could, just to stop feeling this powerlessness. This black, swirling void, threatening to swallow her whole.

She was vaguely aware of Panam trying to pull her back, but the blinding rage filled V with an inhumane strength. She could have snapped Adam Smasher like a twig right now. Hot tears burned their way down her cheeks, a testament to the cyclone of emotions tearing its way through V’s heart.

“How _dare_ you?! How _dare_ you, worm your way into my heart, how _dare_ you matter to me, while you’re killing me? How _dare_ you think I want to be rid of you?!.”

V didn’t even know what she was saying. Any form of self regulation went out the window in her flurry of blows.

“You get to _sit_ there, sneering at me, saying I want to shut you out, when the thought of you not being here anymore terrifies me so much I can’t sleep at night. You just sit there, tossing out smug one-liners while I stare down the barrel of a loaded gun, knowing that I no matter how this shitshow ends I’ll be destroyed?!”

Johnny had stopped resisting, weakly holding up his arms, trying to protect himself from her blows.

“You killed Jackie! And then you got shoved in my head, trying to kill me, too, and I can’t bring myself to fucking hate you because… because…”

V’s strength flooded out of her. She felt Panam’s rugged, calloused hand on her shoulder.

“…because?”

“Because I love him! He’s my best fucking friend, and I can’t stand the thought of having to let him go, even though he’ll fucking kill me if I don’t!”

“Been waiting a long time to say that, haven’t you?”

Panam’s voice was soft, full of sympathy and understanding.

“…fuck.”

Johnny’s hands were wrapped around V’s wrists, trying to block blows that would never come.

Panam pulled V off of Johnny, leaving the Rockerboy alone on the ground, staring at the two women barely holding each other together, eyes wide and full of heartbreak.

“I’m sorry.”

V wasn’t sure who said that, her or Johnny. Either way, neither of them could get around the horrible truth those two words contained. One of them would have to die. And the other wouldn’t survive it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, hope you enjoyed, and I look forward to your comments, you genuinly have no idea how much they mean and how wide they make me smile <3
> 
> For this chapter especially, I'm very uncertain about it, so any and all feedback is greatly appreciated! :D


	4. With Cream and Sugar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sharing a body comes with a myriad of complications. Some trivial, some decidedly not.

"You drink your coffee like a girl.”

The clinking of the spoon against the ceramic mug accompanied V as she crossed the room to throw herself onto her sofa.

“Very astute observation Silverhand. Have you noticed that I am, in fact, a girl. A woman, even.”

“I try very much not to, actually.”

V gulped down a few mouthfuls of hot coffee. Johnny grimaced. She wondered how it felt for Johnny to have the milky, sweet liquid make its ways down a throat that was both foreign and his own.

“Why do you insist on ruining perfectly good coffee with that crap”, Johnny groaned.

Looking Johnny dead in the eye, V slowly raised the cup to her lips again, savouring the coffee as she drank deeply. She smiled as Johnny cringed.

“Just because you’re a psychopath who drinks their coffee black and thick as motor oil, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to.” She chuckled. “Besides, you said yourself, you only experience ‘echoes’, right?”

“An echo of diluted, sickly sweet coffee is bad enough, V.”

“Quit your whining. I’m behind the wheel, so I’ll decide what goes in the tank.”

The two sat in silence for a while, comfortable in the other’s familiar company. Sharing a body, there was no need for shame or deceit between the two of them. Where V had once doubted every word that came out of Johnny’s mouth, she now instinctively trusted him. And so far, that trust had only been betrayed once. V couldn’t even blame him for it, she might’ve done the same. Being stuck in a body that wasn’t his, Johnny taking control and enjoying himself didn’t seem like the worst crime in the world. A hell of a hangover aside, the damage had been fairly minimal.

“Look, I know I’m sizzling hot, but what are you staring at me for?”

She shook her head, pulled out of her thoughts. Humming, V cocked her head.

“What did you mean, you try not to think about the fact that I’m a woman?”

Johnny didn’t answer. He shook his head and kicked his feet up on the table.

“Come on Silverhand. Don’t dodge the question. What’s so bad about thinking about me being a woman?”

A few more beats of silence. “Well?” V pushed, refusing to drop the subject.

“Ah shit, do we really have to have this conversation?”

“If we don’t, I’m adding three extra sugars to my coffee from now on.”

“Ooookay, ease up on the threats, you know I can’t throw up in here.”

V stayed quiet and raised her eyebrows. She’d been feeling this conflict for a while.

Johnny sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair.

“Look it’s not… it’s not so much that _you’re_ a woman. It’s more that… I’m in a female body, right now.”

V stayed quiet, silently encouraging him to continue. This time, she wasn’t going to spend hours dragging emotional introspection out of Johnny.

“I don’t know V, I’m not fucking used to having tits and no dick.”

“Eloquent as ever.”

“Blow me.”

“I can’t.” V quipped, pointing to her crotch.

The silence dragged on for a few torturous seconds before the two of them burst into giggles like two teenagers.

When they’d calmed down, V turned towards Johnny again.

“I hadn’t thought about that.”

Johnny sighed. “Neither had I, not until we took the pseudoendotrizine. Like you said, most of what I actually feel are… echoes. Memories, almost.” He tapped his finger on the table. She could feel him itching to light up a cigarette. Instead, V downed the rest of her coffee and refilled her cup. Black, this time.

Johnny’s eyes trailed her across the room, an almost imperceptible smile on his face when V didn’t reach for the cream and sugar.

The two of them sat opposite each other, locked in a silence that, for the first time, felt loaded and awkward. Johnny was the first to look away, giving in to the nervous energy V could feel coursing through him. He started pacing around the apartment. Suddenly, the black coffee didn’t seem like such a good idea.

“Just one?” Johnny’s finger twitched.

“No smoking, Silverhand.”

“C’mon V, throw me a fucking bone here.”

V shook her head. “No. You’re getting through this like an actual person.”

After a lengthy exhale, Johnny held his hands up as if in surrender.

“Fine. You win. Happy now?”

V didn’t take the bait. She made a show of getting comfortable for the conversation, kicking her feet up on the coffee table, snuggling deeper into the couch cushions.

“Fuck you.”

“Stop stalling.”

Johnny huffed. He was silent for a long time, creases forming on his forehead as he tried to get his thoughts in order.

“It’s not as simple as… not having a dick, y’know. It’s… not me. The whole… woman thing, is just the most… obvious, I guess?”

She’d been so preoccupied with having someone else in her body, it had never occurred to her how it must feel to Johnny, _being_ in someone else’s body.The thought of having to live in a body that wasn’t… her, not really. She’d looked in the mirror, and seen Johnny before. Looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger - she’d wanted to throw up then. To look in the mirror and see that everyday… V couldn’t imagine the agony.

“It’s not always. Right now, it’s okay. But when you lose control… it gets bad. When I have to take over, or when we’re on the pseudoendotrizine… It’s not me. And I want to put my fist through a wall to feel like myself again.”

V felt Johnny throw up walls. She experimentally pushed on the barrier between them, testing how hard Johnny wanted to keep her out. Much of her time was spent keeping that wall as strong as possible. Today, the wall would buckle. Johnny yielded almost instantly, seemingly grateful for the chance to show V something he wasn’t able to articulate. The wall tipped, and V plunged into Johnny’s mind.

_The music pulses and I move through the crowd, swaying unfamiliar hips._

_People brush past me, not hampered by the shoulders I should have.Men, sizing me up like candy, a sweet snack they want to take a bite out of. I feel long fingernails digging into the skin of my horribly tiny hands as I curl V’s fists. I turn on V’s scanner, looking for the names of the men that would harm my friend. Neurons fire faster than I can follow their information as the cyber deck whirs into action, collecting information, storing it all for later. The enhanced cybernetic abilities V possessed, her skills as net runner where just one entry of a very long list or things that feel wrong about V’s body. She experiences the Net in ways I never had, and never wanted to. In some sick way, V reminds me of Alt, the way she could ruthlessly reduce people to code. I quickly switch the scanner off. The information is in our brain, for V to do with as she pleases._

_“Hey baby, you got somewhere to go tonight?”_

_The man’s eyes ran over their body, sending a shiver up my spine. I shove past, hating how fragile the body feels. I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror of the bar’s bathroom. A shock of blue green hair, piled up into two buns. A long, slender face, adorned with silver piercings. Upturned eyes, bright purple pupils in slightly sunken sockets. Ink creeping its way down my throat and arms. A masterwork, painted on a canvas I hate. V’s body is beautiful and unique, perfect in its own way. Strong, resilient and reliable, covered in scars that showcase her struggle for survival, her indomitable will. But it isn’t me. Everything about it feels wrong._

_I bring up a hand. When I see the reflection follow suit, the fear of being trapped in a body that is so fundamentally wrong makes me almost double over. I tear my eyes away, fleeing back into the bar, away from the alien and wicked reflection._

Almost violently, V was thrown out of Johnny’s head. V’s reaction was almost physical, struggling to stay upright on the couch. She shook herself out of a daze, finding Johnny looking at her, eyes full of concern.

“I… yeah, I’m sorry.” This silence was uncomfortable. “Are you… If- if I don’t make it, are you gonna… do something about that?”

“Don’t talk like that V, you’re gonna make it. I won’t let you die.”

“I know.” V’s smile was warm and genuine, full of trust. “But, if I don’t… I don’t want you to be unhappy. Any ripperdoc could help you. It’ll be expensive, but bodies can be changed. I’m sure Victor would help.’

Johnny was quiet, but when he looked at her, she saw in his face the eyes of a man torn.

“Oh come on Johnny, don’t tell me you’re about to become shy about this!”

Johnny exhaled sharply and his voice had unexpectedly gained an edge. “I don’t want to change your body, V. I don’t want to… defile your memory like that.”

V let the quiet settle over them, taking in Johnny’s statement. It sank into her, and V felt something bubble up that she hadn’t expected in this situation. Anger.

“So that is to be my legacy? Jackie dead, my clan destroyed, and you, stuck in a body you hate, miserable but too fucking guilty to do anything about it? You’re gonna kill me to be fucking miserable? That’s how you’re gonna ‘respect my memory’?”

Johnny got up. “We’re not having this conversation.”

V forcefully set the coffee down. Scorching hot liquid spilled, burning the tops of her fingers. She sucked in a pained breath. At the same time, across the table, Johnny winced, yanking his hand away, trying to get away from pain he couldn’t touch.

“Yes, we are.”

V stalked over to the bathroom, letting cold water run over the burn.

“No we’re not. You’re not dying.”

“Johnny. I know you don’t want to admit this, but we don’t know that. I’d very much prefer not to die, but it’s a possibility, and we can’t ignore that!”

“End of discussion, V.”

“Don’t tell me to not talk about what happens to my body after I fucking die, Silverhand.”

“I’M NOT KILLING YOU!” Johnny roared.

They stood staring at each other, both overcome with sorrow and love.

“So that's what this is about?"

Water rushed over V’s burned hand, the pain was forgotten about as V looked as Johnny sunkbank down onto her sofa, head in his hands. He stayed quiet, wincing as the water cooled the burn.

“Talk to me.”

“If you die, it’s because of me.”

V shut off the tap, and sat down across from Johnny, taking up position on her bed.

“If I die, it’s because of Arasaka.”

Johnny’s head was still in head hands, as if he was craddling it.

“Johnny, look at me. Look at me.”

Painfully slow, Johnny’s eyes lifted, and the two minds trapped in V’s body finally collided.

“Stop it. Fucking stop. Don’t do this to yourself. You fucking saved my life.”

“And now I’m killing you.”

“Arasaka is killing me. You’re just the weapon.”

Johnny scoffed. He went to speak, but V cut him off. If she didn’t get this out now, he might never stop blaming himself. If the worst came to pass, he’d spend the rest of his life as a wretched shadow, roaming around a city that would chew him up whole and spit him out without mercy.

“Stop. I know what I said. I know what I said in the Badlands. I was wrong. None of this is on you. I was the one who went after that chip, I was the one that got Jackie killed.” V’s voice broke, but she forced down the tears. “I was the one who shoved that damn biochip into my skull. If I die, it’s not your fault. It never was.”

She walked over to Johnny, placing her hands on his shoulders. “So stop beating yourself up over something you can’t stop. For fucks sake, you’re Johnny fucking Silverhand. Do you know what people would say if they could see you right now?”

Johnny grinned, his eyes having regained some of their spark.

V straightened up, offering her hand. Johnny took it, and she yanked him towards her.

“Now get the fuck up. We have a city to burn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back honeys <3
> 
> It's been a while, but this chapter was tricky. I'm still not totally happy with it, but I promised myself I'd get it up!  
> Do let me know what you think, and I hope you enjoy!

**Author's Note:**

> Authors live on comments, so leave one below to make my serotonin spike.


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